Freaks & Geeks Parenting

My wife Terry and I have a lot in common. We think alike on politics, religion, humor, TV, film and a lot of other topics. We also have a lot not in common, which makes things interesting. She’s also very deep and complex, so there’s a lot to learn about her even though we’ve been friends for fifteen years, dating for six years, and married for two.

One of the things I’m learning is that pregnancy alters your sense of humor. And, I’m an idiot. Possibly that pregnancy transforms husbands into idiots. I’m not sure; I just know I made a joke today that bombed. Hard.

The top baby is Antonio Cruz, “Super Tonio” to his friends. Although I don’t know if you have friends when you’re that young, maybe “worldwide press” is a better term for him. Tonio was born in Cancun, Mexico this week. He weighed 14.5 pounds at birth. If you aren’t trembling in fear right now, with your face contorted into “Holy! Jebus! Crisco!” expressions of imagined pain and horror and sympathy for the poor mother, you’re either a man or a very young girl, because to anyone who has given birth, attended a sex education class, or pushed a bowling ball out of their ass, this is a giant baby. A “normal” baby is alongside to give that other poor kid a terrible inadequacy complex later in life. Apparently it’s a Mexican tradition or something to make other babies feel inadequate for not almost killing their mothers when they come out.

Tonio was the second child for mom, whose first kid was 11.4 pounds. “We haven't found any abnormality in the child, there are some signs of high blood sugar, and a slight blood infection, but that is being controlled so that the child can get on with his normal life in a few more days,” The hospital's director said on Wednesday. Yes, nothing abnormal about that. Plus, the new sterile forklift came in handy in the operating room during the C-section. Move along.

See, Ronan at seven months weighs just under four pounds, and we’re beginning to worry about additional pain during delivery. So I’ve been trying to convince Terry that there’s nothing she can do about labor pain and she should enjoy all the wonderful things about the pregnancy, like sleep apnea. I’m currently beating myself up about my first attempts to console her, which consisted of saying, “Don’t worry about it!” and “It’s all going to be fine!” which Terry’s pregnancy books said were the worst, most insensitive ways to help her with her fears. So after reading that I hugged her and earnestly apologized for trivializing her worries.

So, because I had done so well with those tactics, I decided to share Tonio’s story with Terry. I thought (and I think this is logical) that with seven or so weeks to go until Ronan is born,  there’s no possible way he can grow to 14.5 pounds, and whatever happens, Terry can say to herself that she’s better off than Tonio’s mom.

Of course, nothing is done in a logical way in our house (not really before the pregnancy, either, because my logic is flawed, as you can see.) So Terry opened the E-mail, and instead of reading about Tonio, she just saw a giant baby and thought, My God, I’m going to push a giant baby out of me. Which would have been fine for me if the Associated Press or Fox News or someone had asked her for a comment, but this was her husband sending her giant pictures of babies via E-mail. So I've been requested to not send any more images.

So, the lesson, dear dads, is DO NOT SEND PICTURES OF GIANT BABIES TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE. Actually, as I write this, that makes a lot more sense, but at the time I really thought it would comfort her. Send hate mail to me here.

By the way, the Guiness Book of World Records and Useless Trivia, which I’ve heard some people actually pay for, told the worldwide press that the largest recorded birth was in 1955 in Italy. The kid was 22.5 pounds and came out with a BFA from Milan University. I mean, really? 22 pounds? Talk about an elastic uterus.